Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Close of 2011

My New Year started on November 14th, my 26th birthday.  The week-end before, we’d had a forced-but-fun birthday party at my favourite restaurant, but the day of was bland, routine, and lonely.  I was alone with my thoughts, my job search, my chores, and once night came, my shows.  But that night Basketball Wives LA and Love & Hip Hop weren’t hitting the spot like they usually did.  So I decided to do something I hadn’t done for a while—journal.

I know, I know.  You probably think writers blog or journal everyday and maybe some do.  But I’m more the type that writes when things are terribly wrong.  The break-ups, the bad dreams, the drama, the low moments…these are what draws my craft out of me when it comes to my personal writing.  On this particular occasion, I realised I was 26; much closer to 30 than 20.  The job hunt, for several reasons, was producing nothing.  And as most 26 year old women would mourn—I was still unmarried. 

I know!  I’m not old, not really…. I’ve got my looks, my genes, and my shape (although it’s not where I’d like it to be).  Only a few of my close friends are married, but I can feel the number increasing….  More and more married friends are creeping into my tight-knit circle; school mates are having 1, 2, and 3 babies.  I’m an aunt and godmother to 2 wonderful little tikes and I’m started to get that itch.  You women know what I’m talking about.  In truth, I’ve had it for a while.  And sometimes I find myself—Lord forgive me—envying those who have the house, the spouse, and the kid(s).  But as my pastor and mentor once said, “Desiree, you’re a very young lady!” It sounded funny when he said it, but I knew he was right.  And at the end of the day, I don’t want to be married to my friends’ spouses, have their children or their lives.  I want the man that I love, and my own children and my own life—at the right time.  

Much as I thought I’d be married, gained a particular status, or achieved a particular dream by now, I haven’t.  And you know what?  That’s ok.  I don’t want to live out someone else’s expectation or dream for me.  However, I would like to feel like I’m not a late-bloomer. 

I think I’ve always felt like I was behind everyone else.  Spiritually, educationally, socially, and more.  And sure, there are some things that were just meant to be.  Others, are my own shortcomings.  And this was the crux of my birthday depression.  Now, if you’re reading this.  I appreciate any sympathy you may feel, but stop feeling it.  I like to think of it as a constructive depression that I felt. As I sat journaling, I knew that the things I was most unhappy about were things that were my own fault, yet things that I had the ability to change.      

If I’d been picky about my job search, it was time out for that.  Desperation became my new motivation.  Marriage need not be a concern because it will happen when I’m ready.  Kids—well, what’s the point in even discussing them?  My lack of drive was my real problem. 

I’ve never really been a driven person as it concerns the things that matter.  Oh sure, I could hustle to get a ride somewhere in college.  I could stay on top of any and everyone’s birthday who was important to me.  I could remind my man about that thing he said we were going to do 2 two months earlier.  But when it came to the job hunt, there was cooking, dusting, cleaning, and laundry to be done.  Not to mention, the job offer was too far away, the staffing agency never called me back, or I wasn’t comfortable with the responsibilities, etc.  And though these circumstances may have been true, there was no real drive to find something that worked.  And that was no one’s fault but my own.
Now I’m in a new place—literally.  Going back to the beginning; Get on My Grind 101.  And let me tell you—it sucks.  But you know what?  If I keep up the momentum I’ve ended 2011 with and am starting 2012 with, then November 14th, 2012 and January 1st, 2013 will be a very different picture for me.  Now, I’m not saying anything crazy like I’ll be married or have a million-dollar business (not yet anyway).  But what I am saying is that the possibilities are endless. 

On this eve of 2012, my life is so full of options.  I’ve got realistic goals and plans to help me achieve them.  I’m writing—a lot.  I’ve got great God-given musical ideas and aspirations.  I just did my first bonafide photo shoot for an established magazine.  I’ve got wonderful connections I believe God will use for His purpose and my success.  I’ve got the best mentor, business advisor, and friends a gal could ask for.  God has certainly been good and will continue to be so.  I pray this year I’ll make Him proud. 

In 2012, I encourage you all to discover what’s been lacking in your life.  What has God placed in your lap that you’ve done nothing with?  Where have you allowed yourself to fall behind?  Make an honest assessment of your life, and then do something about it. There’s no time like the present.